Change

Changing shouldn’t be a big deal. 

Sometimes.

It will always happen. Any time and to any one. When you least expect it.

People can change overnight, or after a few days,months, years, a decade.

The color of our hair. The kind of clothes we wear. Food cravings, crushes, favorite movies, the books we read, the mottos we live by, our beliefs, our hopes, the kind of people we want to be with, the one we would want to fall in love with. 

To change. It can be bad, it can be better. Change can shape you into someone you never thought would be you.

To change is a choice only made by you.

It can be something great, something good, and maybe something worth pushing for.

Ito o iyan

Alam ng lahat na mahirap talaga pumili sa dalawang bagay.

Tumatakbo ang utak mo. Pros and cons. Kung anong mas mahalaga sa hindi. Anong mas kailangan mo o hindi. Ano gusto mo sa dapat mong piliin. Ano ang mas hindi mo na kayang hintayin.

Isang dilemmang hindi pwedeng patagalin. Minsan may ilang minuto ka lang para pumili.

Alam ng lahat na mahirap pumili pero kailangan.

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Wish

I wish it wasn’t true.
That marriage ruins people eventually.
That having a child meant letting go of some kind of selfish happiness we all desire to keep.

I wish it wasn’t true
That love isn’t enough anymore,
When you got older.
That we search for something more
Even after all those years.

I still wish I can keep believing in love
The power that it has
To bring people together
No matter how impossible it seems to be.
I wish love could really conquer all, through thick and thin.

I wish I wouldn’t stop hoping
That real, amazing love
Can happen to me
And never disappear.

It shouldn’t be too late.

HIM

I remember him. I remember him completely.

I don’t remember how we really met but I know I met him in college. He was one of those guys who wore baggy jeans, loose t-shirts with printed stuff on it and smoked. There was just something really interesting with guys who smoked during college. Maybe it was because I couldn’t smoke, or maybe because it reminded me of the dangerous James Dean, and his leather jacket, and his deep intense look when he stared at you, thinking about who you are and what the hell you were doing in front of him.

I can’t remember how we met. I think it was just that one hi-hello introduced by a friend kind of thing. I can’t even remember how you got my number, oh right, we kind of worked together, for some kind of project. You called me one night, asked me this really weird project related question, next thing I know, you started calling me every night.

We don’t really talk in public, in front of friends. Maybe just the usual joke here and there. Hi and Hello. I relied on your calls; The kind of calls that didn’t have a specific schedule. We sometimes finished talking at around half past 2. Topics ranged from the things that happened in class, what my favorite movie was and what my ex did that totally pissed me off.

When you called, we had our own little world. It felt that we were talking across from each other. Just the two of us. In our own little corner. It felt private. Ours.

Then you introduced a girl to our group. She was pretty, tall and young. You didn’t stop calling but it was mostly because you asked for my help. What gift should you give. What you guys did during her birthday. What you hate about her. What your fears are in your relationship. You asked for my advice. You were asking advice from someone who was single at that time.

Someone started asking me out. The news broke within days. Our friends started asking questions. Who he was? If I liked him back. You dismissed the idea. Kept saying He wasn’t my type. At some point, I asked you the type I liked. You remain silent. Someone even asked me between you two, who would I pick. I never answered that question. I just stood up and went to class.

This pattern was all we ever had. Calls still happened. Hangouts became less. We graduated. We were in love, with them.

Then it happened. That moment. The moment when we both were on the same boat. After how many years, of random calls, awkward hangouts, weird introductions, we were both by ourselves and I remember we both wanted to try things out.

We went out for coffee. Then for dinner. Our conversations over the phone were quick but straight to the point. You asked what I was doing? If I had a date? If I was doing ok at work. You asked for advice, about your job, if your dream was attainable. You got a tattoo and you hope I could see it soon. Then you sent a picture. I laughed.

We continued to hang out, with our friends. We exchanged glances. Answered questions almost after one another. The what ifs, the can we just be together kind of questions. You offered to bring me home, which you did. He tried to invite yourself to walk me to my house and I wanted to kiss you.

But nothing happened. It wasn’t the perfect time.

I remembered our final moment. The moment that felt like a scene from a movie. You asked me out finally. You called it a date. You sat across me, then moved a little bit closer to me. We smoked a cigarette. You asked me, what was I looking for in a guy. I said everything you wanted to hear. You asked me what I was looking for . Then I said I was ready for anything. All I needed was someone to ask me. We went silent. People started walking by. It was 10 o’clock at night. Then you mentioned a name.

I remembered the feeling. The feeling that the moment I’ve been waiting for has ended. I remembered smiling at you and telling you about a feeling. The feeling I have that this person you just mentioned will probably be very important in the future. I remembered asking you what you wanted. You fell silent. You looked at me, with a faint smile and took a drag of your cigarette.

Then I realized, that no matter what happens, You were always going to be, the one that will never be.

The Work Kit

Must Haves
Must Haves

Everybody has their own personal work kit but for a person like me who works behind the camera, the kit’s content vary.

As a Second Assistant Director or a Script Continuity Supervisor, my belt bag of necessities expand from the smallest things to the most uncommon items.

1. MASKING TAPE – You will always need some masking tape to mark the spots where actors are supposed to stand. Its very important have have this on your belt bag especially because it would help you remember their last marks before they start walking throughout the designated frame.

2. PENCIL AND ERASER – Movie takes always exceed one which is why any Script Continuity Supervisor should have a sharpened pencil and an eraser to jot down the actor’s actions. Way before things were shot digitally, Script Continuity Supervisors didn’t really have playbacks or digital cameras to record or recall shots. Scene continuity is everything which is why they write actions on paper while staring at the actions of the actors once the director shouts ACTION!. A pencil and eraser will always be one of the most important things in their bag of necessities.

3. HIGHLIGHTER – A script can have many character dialogues which is why it can also be important to have a this item in your belt bag. Usually, I highlight the names of a specific character on a script before giving it to the actor to run through to make it easier for them to read.

4. USB/FLASH DRIVE – Sometimes, the script is revised on the spot and usually its reproduced on set. When you’re lucky to have a laptop and a printer on set, reproducing a revised script becomes so much easier. All you have to do is give the writer the USB/FLASH DRIVE and plug it in to have it printed.

5. ALCOHOL – Of course, clean hands is a must when you are around actors.

6. DIGITAL CAMERA/PHONE – taking pictures is also important. Script Continuity Supervisors makes sure that things or even the actor’s wardrobe is right for every scene. Having a handy and clear camera is always important. Sometimes you need to have a quick check of the Actor’s wardrobe and the set especially when you shoot the same scene on a different day. Continuity is everything.

Other small things you can have in your bag of necessities would include: Gum, Safety Pins, Permanent Parker, Ballpen, Mirror and Tissue.

The Fault In Our Stars: Thumbs Up

ImageAnd the best YA Book Adaptation goes to…. The Fault in Our Stars!

The Fault in Our Stars has earned a spot in my top 5 books long before the announcement was made that it was to be turned into a movie. Its simple plot and lovable characters brought me through days of reflection and tears. Obviously, I cried when I sat down and saw those characters brought to the big screen. Hazel Grace, (Shailene Woodley) meets the ever so charming Augustus Water (Ansel Elgrot) at a cancer support group and just like any other love story, evolves into a wonderfully challenged relationship that teaches audiences the meaning of love and the truth about life.

The Fault in Our Stars has earned a spot in my top 5 books long before the announcement was made that it was to be turned into a movie. Its simple plot and lovable characters brought me through days of reflection and tears. Obviously, I cried when I sat down and saw those characters brought to the big screen. Hazel Grace, (Shailene Woodley) meets the ever so charming Augustus Water (Ansel Elgrot) at a cancer support group and just like any other love story, evolves into a wonderfully challenged relationship that teaches the two about the truth about life and the beauty of love.

Sweet and just right, The Fault in Our Stars, did justice to the book even with its minor scene tweaks. Woodley’s narration, effectively created a personal feel to the whole movie while Elgrot’s charming delivery of his lines made me forget that he was Woodley’s brother from their previous movie Divergent. The supporting cast also did their best to raise the bar higher, especially Laura Dern, who plays Hazel’s mom, didn’t need much dialogue to show her love for Hazel. Her eyes said it all.  Nat Wolfe who played Gus’ best friend, Isaac, also delivered.

Their chemistry surprisingly worked. The soundtrack was unforgettable and my eyes were filled with tears by the time Hazel said her last Okay. My favorite scene would be their first meeting and their almost a minute exchange of stares before the support group started and of course Hazel’s much awaited Euology for Gus brought me to tears. Director Josh Broone carefully created the adaptation with the help of John Green to make sure that fans wouldn’t be disappointed and that curious movie goers would also be brought to tears whether they’ve read the book or not.  At the end of the movie, it didn’t disappoint, in fact, it made me want to cry all over again.

Happy Place

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Last night, I found myself back in my Happy Place.

Standing on a green indoor basketball court, with my beaten down gym bag, I was back in a place where I spent almost half of my college life on. A refuge, a secret hiding place. When class ended, and people headed out to get a few drinks, my friends would ask where I was. When it was 4:30 on a friday night, on every other night, everyone I knew, knew where to find me. My Happy Place.

Futsal made me happy, last night reminded me just that.

When the bell rang at 4:30, my mind stopped caring about school. I’d pushed my way through the crowds of students and would run to the covered court just behind the CAS building. Some say you have to take your time to do things right, how weird it was that it only took me almost a minute to change into my training clothes and I was wearing them right. Futsal training was always the most interesting part of my day. 

I never really had a knack for sports. Heck, I didn’t even like watching sports on TV, but if it involved players passing the ball around with their feet, that kept me interested. David Beckham was my very first favorite. 

I was still standing on the familiar green covered court a few steps away were familiar faces that made me smile. See that was the thing about Futsal, usually you play against the same people. No matter how long ago its been since you last played, when someone sends a text saying the court is free to play Futsal on, it was always game on. I spot a few of my old teammates sitting on the floor, trying to wear their high socks while talking to probably the current varsity team members. I make my way to them when a familiar face sprints toward me and gives me the warmest hug I’ve received in the longest time. 

“Hi Mommy!” She squealed, her right hand holding her jersey. The younger players knew me as mommy, just because I was the first to leave the team. I graduated on her 1st year. It was nice to be remembered, even if I haven’t showed my face for the longest time. 

A few high fives here and there and I made my way to the changing rooms. Funny how it still felt like a routine. I’d take my favorite changing stall and took out my training gear. My blue jersey didn’t seem so lose anymore. I get out of the room and look at myself in front of the mirror. I was 10 pounds heavier. I didn’t really care.

I was back in my Happy Place.

I saw more familiar faces. I saw a few boys we used to play against during tournaments. You could see the excitement in their faces. They changed right away. We took the timer out and set the time to 25 minutes. We usually played for 30. Maybe the last 5 minutes was for rest. 

The bell rings. Just like before, I didn’t start the game. I stayed on the sidelines, trying to remember how to play the sport. There are only 5 people in a team, everyone had to do their part. Everyone had to run. Could I even run? I barely played after I graduated. I started doing vices: Smoking, drinking, trying this and that. I gained weight because I was depressed and I had a hard time finding something to give me endorphins. I hated gyms. Futsal was the the only thing that pushed me to exercise, and want to exercise.

I was in my Happy Place. 

I was called to sub at 10 minutes. I made the sign of the cross before entering the court. Next thing I know, the ball was passed to me. Its funny how you can see how aging changes everything, in my case, it changed how I ran and handled the ball. I was always a passer not a shooter, but in the game of Futsal, we all had an equal change to score a goal. Right now, I just wanted to pass. We all aged. 

Some pushed others to run around more, take their place. The usual long lasting players asked for subs a little too early. I started walking around at 3 minutes. It was hilarious. Some missed passes, some missed shots and one got sprained. 

I lasted 10 minutes. I used to last a whole 30. Aging comes unexpectedly. You’d notice it in the little things. I noticed it with my speed. We spent two hours just playing and still it wasn’t enough. After every quarter we’d still took the habit of high fiving everyone. Patting each other on the backs saying “Good Game” or “Nice shot” but unlike before, we shared the same sentiment, “Shocks we are getting old”. 

That night was my favorite night. It made me remember the good old days, the better ones. Futsal was open to everyone, all we needed was free time. Usually, we freed our time. 

I took of my old Futsal shoes and socks off and wore my rubber slippers. A friend of mine who played along side us dragged his chair beside me and sat down. He used to run fast as well and took strong hits but now I found him smiling embarrassingly, without saying I knew what ran inside his head.

“Gosh I’m old” he says, a little chuckle escaped his lips.  I laughed  “Me too.”

“Its a good thing you went. Isn’t playing Futsal fun?” he says. I smile at him. It was the first time in a long time that I smiled genuinely. “It is. I missed this”

I’ve tried so many times to seek a new way to get me smiling again. All the while only a night of Futsal could bring it back. 

I guess its time to buy myself a new pair of Futsal shoes. Just an excuse to play again.Just be back in my Happy Place.